2012

Review by Jason Gaston

The movie 2012 is the grotesquely well-endowed man who is unable to perform the sexual act adequately. At first glance one might believe that they are in for a good time because, after all, it looks impressive.  Ridiculous in it's scale - rather unbelievable if you will - but impressive nonetheless.  When the lovemaking begins, however, it's awkward and a little sad but you can't complain too much because, hell, look at the thing!  Besides, even bad sex is still fun at its core.

Sure, that might very well be the creepiest and most inappropriate analogy I can think of, but given that Mr. Emmerich has been bending audiences over for years with his movies, at least this time he makes it worth our while with a cinematic phallus that is big, ridiculous, awkward, but still fun all the same.

Hoping to capitalize on the stupidity that is the rampant 2012 following, Roland Emmerich, the man behind such tour de forces as Godzilla and his other Gregorian-based offering, 10,000 BC, brings us a movie where everything literally blows up and falls into the ocean.  That is not an exaggeration either because literally everything blows up and falls into the ocean.  I actually think it would have been a better decision business-wise to call this movie Everything Explodes and Falls into the Ocean because at least by the year 2013, it won't sound stupid and dated.

All right, at least it won't sound dated.

John Cusack heads up the motley crew of humans who fill up the time when the studio can't afford special effects.  Their story is a clichéd and boring one of a distant father trying to get to know his kids only after his wife has divorced him and bagged herself a rich and charming plastic surgeon.

The group includes the stereotypical cute little girl whose job it is to scream, "DADDY!" in the face of pursuing pyroclastic flows from erupting volcanoes or the debris from collapsing buildings.  There is also the snot-nosed son who is so estranged that he calls his dad by his first name which, I have to admit, is cool an edgy... or at least it was when The Ring and the remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still did it.  If you're familiar with these movies then you can take bets on how long it takes this little bastard to say, "I love you... dad!"

Obliviously, the script doesn't just have plotholes, it has chasms bigger than the ones that send Los Angeles sliding into the sea but as I said, this movie's pathetic attempts at drama are really only good for the quiet moments when your bladder fills or you're hungry for some Rasinettes.  All of the Roland Emmerich stapled are there: the noble sacrifice, the tragic demise, and the fractured family.  Of course, we can't forget that the damn dog is going to live through it all.  The dog in this movie goes so far as to produce feats of gymnastics to survive that would have Nadia Comaneci feeling dizzy.  One of these days, Mr. Emmerich will produce a movie where the dog is the first one to die and I believe that I will follow shortly thereafter just from the sheer shock.

Let's face it, though, it's not the family drama or indestructible dog that we pay to see when we subject ourselves to movies like 2012.  We go because we want to see destruction on a massive scale and, in that area, 2012 delivers and delivers in a big way.  I don't give Roland Emmerich a whole lot of credit for many things because, let's face it, he's just not that talented, but what I will give him credit for is that he knows how to film a disaster.  He holds the camera in place allowing you to take in the epic nature of the shot and refrains from putting eighty cuts into one minute.  The disaster sequences in 2012 are, for the most part, as astounding as they are terrifying.  Sometimes the believability of the special effects are iffy, but then again how believable is an aircraft carrier smashing into the White House or a tidal wave cresting over the Himalayas?

2012 isn't great entertainment, but it does what it sets out to do.  It is a visual marvel, it has raised the bar for disaster movies (and blown it up), and, despite itself, it's better than it looks like it's going to be.  Don't get me wrong, there's really no reason this movie should be as long as it is and I really wish the editing of the movie would have excised another 30 to 45 minutes of the superfluous nonsense that took away from the special effects that were the real stars of the movie.  2012 has shot it's proverbial load... it's just a shame that it takes the movie another half hour to realize it.

Even though this film has it's flaws, I would say that this is probably the best movie that Roland Emmerich has managed to come up with since Independence Day.  The only problem is, has 2012 sounded the death knell for disaster porn?  After all, when this movie is over with, what else is there to blow up?