Freddy Got Fingered
Review by Jason Gaston
Picture this, right? I go to see
Tomcats and dub it “The Worst Movie of 2001”. Then I go and see
Joe Dirt and change my mind, “THIS is the worst movie of 2001.”
Now, a few hours after seeing the inexcusable, draggy, bizarre, and
totally worthless hunk of steaming, stinking, putrid, and fly-covered
piece of rot that Freddy Got Fingered is, I think that
can safely say that I have not only seen the worst movie of 2001… but
the worst movie EVER! If you gave Joel Shumacer the rights to do a
musical Batman sequel where Batman comes out to Robin, it wouldn’t be
worse than this! If you wanted to do a crossover between Mortal
Kombat and The Avengers in which they form a group called
“The Tomcats” and race against Joe Dirt to see who can get laid
first, it wouldn’t be worse than this. If you teamed up Steve
Guttenberg and Sylvester Stallone in a buddy cop movie where they
played Siamese twins joined at the penis, it would be better than
Freddy Got Fingered.
Never in my
entire life have I ever been more repulsed… never have I gone so long
watching one man trying to be funny and not cracked a smile… never
have I so wished death on movie stars, directors, writers, gaffers,
wardrobe people, ticket takers, theatre managers, and everyone else
responsible for bring this god awful abomination born from the very
loins of Satan himself.
They should have called this movie Audience Gets F**ked. This
movie is so bad, I hear Roger Ebert gave it a big middle finger
straight up. This movie is so bad, it was playing to standing room
only… because everyone was in a rush to get out of the theatre.
The plot of this movie – and keep in mind, saying this movie has a
plot would be like saying Calista Flockard has a big ass – involves
world’s biggest accidental star, Tom Green, playing a 28 year old
looser who lives with his parents and dreams of being an animator.
Anyway, Tom Green moves back in with his parents and a big feud ensues
with his dad (honestly, though... if your son was Tom Green, wouldn't
you hate him too?). However, by the end of the movie every thing works
out fine... well, at least it did for everyone with the brains to walk
out of this ultimate testament to bad movie making.
This movie is just plain sick. It’s a car accident that litters the
road with severed body parts and feces. How else would you describe a
movie in which Tom Green skins a deer and runs around in it’s bloody
skin, licks an open knee wound, or swings a dead baby around by it’s
umbilical cord?
This movie not only scrapes the bottom of the barrel, it kicks through
the bottom, digs down several feet, and winds up in the septic tank of
hell itself. I hated this movie! This is the kind of movie that
makes me weep for the future of humanity… With the Tomcats,
See Spot Runs, and Joe Dirts of the world, I think that the
human race is in a downward spiral so much so that I’m actually hoping
for an actor’s strike so that Hollywood might actually have time to
pull it’s head out of it’s own ass and stop making movies like this.
This movie is the worst movie ever. It’s so bad, that I am collecting
donations to hire an ex-con to find Tom Green and hit him repeatedly
with a hammer repeating the words, “You are not a funny man!” until
the little abortion gone wrong finally gets it.
The poster for this movie says, “This time you can’t change the
channel!” People, trust me… this isn’t a witty blurb, it’s a warning
from the ad agency! Stay away from this movie! Don’t even go to the
movie that plays in the theater after Freddy Got Fingered
mercifully is yanked from the projector because I’m sure than the
vomitous slime from this awful movie is sure to infect the room for
many years afterward. .