The Fog

Review by Jason Gaston

A thick blanket of fog and some pissed off ghosts take center stage as that annoying chick from Lost and Superboy try and survive a spiritual attack by lepers in this remake of The Fog.

As I similarly mused in my review of the equally bad remake of The Amityville Horror, the original version of The Fog is one of the horror staples from my childhood. Seeing the silhouettes of the ghosts in that fog with those glowing red eyes is am image that I will carry with me for the rest of my days. Now, the original The Fog isn't as near and dear to my heart as Amityville or Poltergeist, but it's near to it enough so, of course, a remake of it would be met with some extremely biased scrutiny.

I'm human. So sue me.

Well, thankfully, I can hold onto what is laughably called my integrity for one more day because I can tell you right now, with no bias whatsoever, that The Fog is a horrible movie that isn't the least bit scary.

That image that's been burned into my mind by the original? Well, the remake's version of that scene is about as scary as the Captain Morgan mascot. It's laughably bad and atrocious that anyone might think that it would be remotely scary.

I guess I should also point out that, while the original had the likes of Jaime Lee Curtis and Hal Holbrook, the remake is populated by the same kind of annoying teenie boppers that are responsible for the degradation of horror in the first place. I suppose making the cast younger is some studio head's idea of trying to appeal to a younger demographic, but the day I accept Tom Welling as a fishing boat captain is the day that I intend to swallow the cyanide capsule I have lodged under my right molar.

And, man... there is some horrid acting in this movie. I understand that someone might phone in a performance for a paycheck every now and then, but sweet Jebus! Could we please have a half-assed decent reaction to seeing a best friend or relative get chopped up, stabbed, dismembered, set on fire, dissolved, or turned into some kind of ghost bride? Normally, nothing phases me... but I think I might have a little bit of a reaction to that kind of situation other than a blank stare and a drip of drool coming from my mouth.

Hollywood's on the horror remake gravy train and, with the release of this movie, I think it's time that we all got Hollywood into a room and had an intervention. I'm tired of the trite and predictable stories, I'm tired of the horror movies without the horror, I'm tired of lame CGI monsters, and I think it's way past time that movies like these were wrestled out of the clutches of those who hardly look old enough to shave.

I have to wonder if anyone saw the finished product before it hit theaters and actually believed that it was scary. There are no jump frights, no sense of suspense, and no thrills in his tepid, stupid movie. None whatsoever. The Fog moves comfortably from point a to point b to point c. It's like watching an eighteen year old do a puzzle intended for toddlers.

Take the advice of the characters in this movie as they say the one smart piece of advice they give in this 90 minutes of "mist" opportunity.

Stay out of The Fog!!!