Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children

Review by Jason Gaston

I must admit that before a week ago I had never heard of this movie, much less that there were other Final Fantasy movies before it not counting Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within. But, oh those crazy Japanese pulled a fast one on us, didn't they? Good on them.

So, I got ahold of a copy of Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children thinking, "Well, at least it can't be any more boring than that first movie."

Well... yes and no.

Advent children is supposed to take place two years after the events in the game, Final Fantasy VII. Since I've never played a Final Fantasy game in my life, I didn't take this as a sign that I would understand half of the stuff that went on in this movie..

Anyway, a disease called Seikon-Shoukougun, or Geostigma, is spreading through the planet believed to have been caused by the body fighting off foreign material that invaded the body two years earlier, at the end of Final Fantasy VII.

Can I just say... Whaaaaaaaaaaaa?

Guilt-ridden and haunted by his past, a genetically or magically or something-enhanced guy called a SOLDIER named Cloud Strife has decided to live a secluded, solitary life away from his friends.

Well, to tell you the truth from here on out I have no idea what the movie is about. What it boils down to is Cloud ends up fighting other ex-SOLDIERs or something in a battle that could destroy the planet... I think.

With all that low-hanging hair, angst, and self-loathing... if you've ever wanted a movie that had Emos fighting Emos, then this is the movie for you. I mean, for God's sake, the guy is named Cloud Strife. Strife! He might as well get a myspace account, a web camera, start cutting himself, and bitching about how unfair the world is!

A lot like Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, Advent Children emphasizes style over substance. The problem is that going in to it a Final Fantasy virgin, you're already missing half of the substance. Watching this movie is like joining a conversation when it's already halfway done.

But I will admit that the fight scenes were pretty awesome.

Another problem with this movie is that the animation in The Spirits Within still looks more advanced than this movie released six years later. I also hate to say it, but despite its boringness, The Spirits Within had a way better story.

So what exactly does Advent Children have going for it? Unique action scenes, pretty pictures, and not a whole lot else. The story is convoluted, boring, and completely alien to anyone who hasn't played the game and - let me just head off the gaming nerds here - I shouldn't have to play a game, read a book, or know a comic book beforehand to enjoy a movie. I just shouldn't.

I didn't like it. The Spirits Within was better and you know that doesn't mean a whole lot.