The Fantastic Four

Review by Jason Gaston

In the words of The Human Torch… Flame on!

The comic book medium is a tragically misunderstood one. Despite works of art like Kingdom Come, Watchmen, The Dark Knight Returns, and more, many people still think of them as immature things that only kids read.

Tragically still, it appears that these same people are getting put in charge of comic book adaptations. They don’t know the characters, they don’t respect the characters, and they’re not going to put any effort into a movie that doesn’t respect your intelligence. Batman Begins did it all right… The Fantastic Four does it all wrong.

The story, in case you still care, is about four scientists who go up into space with a billionaire named Victor Von Doom on a mission of pure scientific discovery for the betterment of humanity. Really! After all, how could you not trust a man named Von Doom? While up there investigating a strange and deadly cosmic storm they are caught in the storm and soon start developing superpowers.

In the full hour it takes for them to explain how their powers work, we learn that the head scientist and party animal, Reed Richards, can now stretch his body great distances like a Stretch Armstrong doll minus the personality.

Sue Storm, probably one of the lamest characters in comic book history, can turn invisible. Thankfully, she can also generate force fields like her comic book character can now suddenly do – making her a little less lame… but not a whole lot. What Jessica Alba is doing playing a scientist is beyond me and makes about as mush sense as Tara Reid playing one in Alone in the Dark. Trust me, female scientists are not this hot! If they were, I would be called Doctor by now.

Her brother is Johnny Storm who has the ability to turn himself into a human torch hotter than the sun itself. Folks, just to reiterate a point… this guy could destroy the world and all he can think about is picking up chicks. I guess I too would be a little sexually insecure if the only way I could summon my powers was by shouting, “Flame on!” but give me a break! This guy actually tries scoring right after he inexplicably bursts into flames for the first time. Doesn't care if he needs a doctor... not concerned over his looks... just wants to tap some booty.

Rounding out The Fantastic Four is Ben Grim a.k.a. The Thing who, aside from being a super strong and super tough freak of nature who looks like a collection of orange rocks, he also has the amazing ability to constantly whine and complain about the way he looks. I mean, yeah… his wife dumps him and everything, but if she’s really that shallow of a person perhaps The Thing is better off without the sow.

Now, the four of them must join forces and stop Victor Von Doom (who is also mutated) from… uh… taking over the world I guess. Oh, and for getting even with Richards for taking his woman. Actually, I think that came first priority. Understandable… hey, it is Jessica Alba. Rrrrow.

The first half of The Fantastic Four is like watching The Hulk with its endless scientific exposition… only without a brain behind it. This movie is tedious, corny, and infantile and, if that’s not bad enough, the last thirty minutes of this movie is proof that it didn’t have to be!

Don’t get me wrong, The Fantastic Four isn’t a completely worthless movie by any means, but it does represent what happens when source material isn’t taken seriously enough to respect the audience you’re presenting it to.

This is basically a bunch of special effects and explosions with very bad character moments to fill in the gaps that the budget wouldn’t allow special effects and explosions. Some of the stuff these characters say is unbelievable. For example, after explaining that their DNA has been mutated, Susan (I think) tells the others that their costumes have their powers too so they can wear them without worrying about burning or stretching their clothes off.

I hope the scriptwriters realized at some point or another that clothing doesn’t actually have DNA.

Oy! Call this movie The Fantastic Bore. From characters that are boring to characters who are just plain irritating, this is one movie where you’ll probably be rooting for Doctor Doom to win. At least he had a sliver of personality.

Flame off!