Epic Movie

Review by Jason Gaston

O There is an old story that, when he saw the explosion of the first atom bomb, Oppenheimer said, "I have become Shiva... God... destroyer of worlds." Part of me wonders if The Zucker Brothers ever feel the same way when a film like Epic Movie is released on a wide scale for although this flick might not be a powerful atomic weapon capable of wiping out millions in a single blow, it is a devastating bomb none the less. I wonder if the Zuckers or the Wayans feel some twinge of guilt because of this.

I didn't want to see this movie. In a way, it was forced on me by both my wife who I am now in the process of filing for divorce from simply because she wanted me to see this piece of dookie and by the people who read this website and requested that my venom be spewed on this cinematic opus.

I would have been just fine waiting for video, but nooooo...

Brought to us by two of the worst writers of Scary Movie, Epic Movie is a sort-of but not quite sequel to Date Movie. True, other than the writers and a couple of actors there is no real connection, but it sucks just as badly and so, it's a sequel in my book.

To say that this movie has a plot is to say that Iraq actually had weapons of mass destruction. To say that it has a premise is to say that OJ will one day catch the real killers. To say that any of it is funny is to say that Uwe Boll deserves an Oscar.

I will say a couple of nice things about this movie. First, the scene where Mr. Tumnus shows a picture of his mom and dad revealing that they were a normal guy and a goat was funny. The fight scene between Aslo (Fred Willard as a half-man, half-lion parody of Aslan) and the albino priest from The Da Vinci Code was particularly inspired as Fred Willard switched back and forth between an Asian stuntman who looked nothing like him. There, that's a couple of nice things... and about the only two things in this movie that are actually funny. Now that I have just ruined them for you, there's no reason for you to watch Epic Move.

What's wrong with it specifically? Nothing that the master reel, a gas can, and a lighter couldn't cure. It's just stupid... not even funny stupid, just stupid-stupid. This movie doesn't satirize or comment on the films it makes fun of, it just seems content in taking other people's hard work and putting some lame humorous spin on it set to the most vanilla idea of hip hop I have ever seen. Watching Epic Movie is like watching some suburban white kid try and act black at the mall. It's sad, not that funny, and you wonder if it realizes just how ridiculously uncool it is.

Alyson Hannigan chose not to return for this sequel meaning that she must have read my open letter to her that I wrote after seeing Date Movie. No... No need to thank me. A donation to my paypal account will be fine. Kal Penn is in this movie too and he hasn't been this underused since Superman Returns.

Don't pay to see it. Don't pay to rent it. If it's on TV, see what's on the other channel. This movie is a waste of time, a waste of money, and a waste of what miniscule talent was involved in excreting it out into a film can.

I will say, though, that it's so refreshing to see one of these parody movies come out where you don't have to watch every movie that it's referencing to know that it sucks.