End of Days

Review by Jason Gaston

Oh yes, here we are about a month from 2000 (at least we are while I'm writing this... who knows, you may be reading it in 2000 or 2001 or 2742 when these reviews are part of an interplanetary database of the world's greatest works of literature.). Like I said, we're a month away from 2000 and the end-of-the-world movies are out in full force trying to panic the stupid people who are worried about Y2K and the second coming of Jesus. Personally, I don't think that the year 2000 will end the world any more than 1000 did, but end of the world movies can be fun. Just look at Independence Day or Armageddon.

But, you see... the most recent crop of end of the world movies have been more religious in nature and End of Days is no exception. Just like Stigmata, The Omega Code, and the upcoming Lost Souls: The enemy is no longer aliens, asteroids, floods, tornadoes, or volcanoes... the threat is the prince of darkness himself.

So let's get back to End of Days. Just like Stigmata, it pretty much blows as it's just another attempt by Hollywood to cash in on the largely-overblown end of the millennium angst. The plot is this: Arnold Schwarzenegger is an ex-cop with suicidal tendencies because of the murder of his wife and daughter (Lethal Weapon, anyone?) with a comical lumpy wisecraking partner (True Lies, anyone?). Satan comes to Earth, kills a few people, tries to father a baby to usher in hell on Earth, and is defeated by a guy who's lost faith (The Exorcist, anyone?).

End of Days is dreary, depressing, stupid, and insipid filled to the brim with dumb action movie clichés and tons of stuff that we've seen time and time again. To put logic to this movie would be pointless, so rather than give an insightful review of the movie, here's some random mental notes I took during the movie's run that contain quips and things I learned from the film. Enjoy!

1. If you ever meet the woman who's destined to carry Lucifer's child, just kill her.

2. If you're being chased by Satan, forget all of the stuff they tell you about hiding in a church. Apparently, it was all bull.

3. Never... and I mean never assume that you can have a casual conversation with the devil. It just doesn't happen.

4. Never - and I can't emphasis this one enough - Never trust your best friend if he shows up on your doorstep after being blown up especially if Satan happens to be running around the city.

5. God help us, the devil is being played Gabriel Burns who also played the priest from Stigmata! The end of the world movies are becoming a jumble!

6. There are good priests and bad priests. The bad priests always think that they're doing good and the good priests never put out the effort that the bad priests do.

7. Satan worshippers are everywhere! Doctors, police, lawyers, your parents!!! TRUST NO ONE!!!

8. Beelzebub makes a joke about God having good PR. What about Satan, man? He's followed by dozens of henchmen and, if they make the slightest mistake, he kills them horribly! How does he recruit these people!? A good dental plan?

9. Arnold really needs to stick to mindless action flicks or comedies. Drama doesn't suit him. What, is he seriously trying to win an Oscar now? Arnold, buddy, it ain't happening.

10. Let's say you're Satan and you have to impregnate this girl before midnight and there's less than half a minute to go... and you're still certain you can do the humpty-hump in less than thirty seconds... Is that something you really want to brag about? Hell, I think I'd let the forces of good win than to let that little personal fact get out into the open.

11. Why does the battle between good and evil always involve the Catholic church? Why not pit Satan against the Baptists or the Methodists or - knowing Hollywood - Scientology!?

End of Days is pretty weak. Basically, any drama that puts Arnold in the leading role is doomed. Are Arnold's days of action flicks numbered? No, of course not... After all, Sean Connery has been doing movies like Entrapment and he's over 75. Arnold does need to stick with what he does best like comedy and mindless action because, as much as I love the guy, he has the charisma of a hamster and the personality of a brick.

End of Days rates better in my book than Stigmata but, when you get right down to it, it's just a cookie-cutter movie where we've got the down-and-out hero, the pretty heroine, and the villain who never runs out of henchmen to kill.

Sound familiar now? It's done on a cosmic scale, but it's still the same old hayride. Plus, I'm soooooooooo tired of of all of the Y2K doomsday crap. Whatever happened to "party like it's 1999"?