Dragon Wars

Review by Jason Gaston

I had a free rental from a Red Box and I saw that this movie was available so I thought, "What the hell, it's free!"

I still overpaid.

Jesus Herbert Christ, this movie is one hundred percent pure unadulterated ass... not just any ass, this is Borat's manager's ass! This is ass of Biblical scale! This is ass with its own gravitational pull! That's the sheer level of assity that we are talking about here!

Set in modern day Los Angeles, Dragon Wars is a Korean import (yes, that's right - look it up!) about two warring creatures. I can't remember what the good creature was called, but the bad creature was called something that sounded like Buttakke. Anyway, this Buttakke is bound and determined to capture this girl - a reincarnated princess from 500 years ago - so that it can become a full blown dragon at the end.

That's right kiddos, it's called Dragon Wars, but it has no dragons until the last few minutes. Basically, it should have been called Snake Wars.

But the Buttakke isn't going to have his victory easy because, also reincarnated, is the protector of the princess who is, unfortunately, a newspaper reporter who wouldn't be much help to anyone. Fortunately, the protector's master from 500 years ago has ALSO been reincarnated and, although he could easily help at any time and put an end to this tragedy of a movie, he prefers to shape-shift and help from the sidelines.

But wait, there's more! ALSO also reincarnated is a fierce and evil warlord who wants Buttakke transformed into a dragon as well and he has an unstoppable army of Lord of the Rings rejects to help him accomplish that goal.

And the one thing you think would be around to help? The good snake thing? Well, he's no where to be seen. No one seems to question this, no one seems to wonder, and no one seems to care that he's not around trying to help out the girl... he's just not there until it's convenient.

Ye gods, this movie is terrible! it makes no sense, seems to forget characters when they aren't needed (how many times is this guy going to leave his black friend behind in crisis'!?), and manages to try and market itself as something culturally significant giving it a bloated and undeserved sense of self-importance.

It's like someone took bits and pieces from Dragonheart, Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Independence Day, and other movies and then threw them at the wall to see what stuck.

What's even more amazing about this movie is that it was written by a guy who used to be a comedy actor in Korea. I can't get down on this guy because watching the special features on this disk, he really did care about getting this movie made. Sorry, man, but your movie is poo  and the last few years of your life was wasted.

What was amazing was how this snivling little director goes on to say how he made the movie in America to make the movie accessible to an international market because Korean movies just don't have that appeal.

Hasn't he seen The Host? It's not perfect, but it was made in Korea, has subtitles, and is easily heads, tails, and ass more appealing than this bucket of frog piss.

I can't even say that this movie has potential to be a guilty pleasure. It's just that awful.