Dr. Seuss' The Cat in the Hat

Review by Jason Gaston

Despite my misgivings, my fears, and all that,
I was dragged out to see The Cat in the Hat.
I have very small nephews, so you see,
And sometimes they inflict these movies on me.
The movie is about a couple of kids,
One is a rebel, a daredevil, and stupid.
The other is anal, controlling, and snide,
Already I wish both of these kids would die.*
There is a mom who works for an evil pissy boss,
And a Baldwin who loves her but wants her kids to get lost.
When the mom leaves the kids in the house by themselves,
She tells them, “Stay out of the living room or else!”
Miss Kwan is their babysitter and happens to be narcoleptic,
She’s a walking Asian stereotype and the part is septic.
Of course, The Cat in the Hat come out and acts real dumb,
With the intention of teaching the kids a lesson about fun.
The Cat and his friends, Thing 1 and Thing 2,
Create mayhem in this movie to entertain me and you.
There’s a fish, some party, some jokes, and some farts,
Whoever wrote this movie didn’t have much smarts!
Unfortunately, it’s not very entertaining. Not at all. Not in the least,
Who knows what the studios were thinking when they greenlit this beast?
The Cat in the Hat stars Michael Myers,
As the feline creation Doctor Seuss sired.
Alas, if you go to this kiddie movie you won’t be grinning,
In fact you might hear the body of Doctor Seuss spinning.
This movie is just terrible, awful, and stinky,
The execution is juvenile, inappropriate, and dinky.
Mike Myers, though he tries, just cannot fit the part.
He tries and he tries, but he’s doomed from the start.
The movie is cute, in it’s own creepy way,
But not cute enough to make the adults want to stay.
Kids may enjoy this farce as the Cat creates havoc,
But adults will want something not so monosyllabic.
This movie is dumb, weird, and not very funny,
I’d rather strap myself to an ant bed and cover myself in honey.
The Thanksgiving turkey is here, but eat it with care.
Kids may like it, but Adults better beware.
This movie is bad… Worse in the worse possible way.
If you like the set design, though, you may want to stay.
The settings are awesome, the sights are something.
Too bad they filled this world with absolutely nothing.
If you didn’t like The Grinch, then stay far away!
If you did like The Grinch… then stay far away!
This movie is a mess, it’s unfunny it’s true!
Consider this a warning from me to you.
Do not see this movie… Don’t see it now or later.
Don’t help line the pockets of that hack Brian Grazer.
Don’t support the man who made the movie like that,
Don’t support the man who ruined the Cat in the Hat!

*Not really!