Crank
Review by Jason Gaston
Every now and then the great and powerful movie Gods acknowledge my
continual sacrifices of live chickens and small orphans and bless us
with a movie like Crank. What can I say about Crank?
This could be one of mankind's greatest achievements and I believe
that it even tops such things as pasteurization, air flight, and the
polio vaccine.
For, you see,
Crank is a fun type of movie that makes you stupider just for watching
it but makes you enjoy every damn moment of your decent into
dumwitidtude. Crank is a movie that is crazy insane and defies
all laws of nature and logic and waggles its fanny at you the entire
time as if it dares you to even mention it.
Sure, you may be saying to yourself, isn't this review written by the
same guy who loved Snakes on a Plane? First of all... kiss my
ass. Secondly, yes I did enjoy the hell out of Snakes on a Plane
and, I might add, Snakes on a Plane is nothing compared to the
manic testosterone pumped thrill ride that is Crank. Why the
studio didn't have enough faith in this artistic triumph... this
God-given glorious piece of movie history, is far beyond me.
The story? Complete badass Jason Statham plays a hitman who is
injected with an Asian cocktale of drugs that shuts his body down
unless he keeps it pumped with adreniline. So, Jason goes about
kicking ass, doing drugs, raiding hospitals, and getting laid all so
he can stay alive long enough to kill the bastards that killed him.
The dude is screwed, so he's going to screw everyone back.
I loved this movie. Loved it! I wanted to take off my clothes and have
sex with this movie right there on screen, but I was warned that if I
do that again I'll be barred from the theater for life.
Crank is a stupid, loud, insane movie and I loved every silly
minute of it. There's humor, there's action, there's adventure, and
it's all done with a wink and a smirk so you know never to take a
single frame seriously. Best of all, the ending is not a cop-out. You
may consider that a spoiler, but I consider it nothing but further
affirmation of the complete awesomeness of this film. I've never see a
movie so proud to be so stupid!
If you call yourself a flag-waving American, see this movie. If you're
not from America, see this movie too. It's a blast!
Crank this one up!