Closer

Review by Jason Donner

This kind of pretentious talking-head rubbish is the stuff my nightmares are made of. Watching Closer is like having a nasty little gnome slowly push a sharp pencil into your ear until it hits bone. It's about as entertaining as listening to your Grandmother talk about her latest colonoscopy. Watching this movie is like doing long division to pass the time during a funeral.

This movie is basically about four pretty people and their struggles with sex and relationships and sex and sex. These four people fall in and out of relationships with each other and act irrationally as the movie executes its absurd plot. After a while, you just want to slap each and every person in this turd.

I couldn't identify with a single one of these people... they were shallow, nasty, and vile people vomiting out pretentious and boring dialogue. Why anyone would want to see a movie about reality is perplexing, but why anyone would want to see a movie about boring reality is downright mystifying.

Closer is a ridiculous exercise in absurdity... a nasty movie where every one of its characters are shallow, self-centered, whoring, boring jackasses. In fact, if it wasn't for a mildly amusing piece in this hacked up movie about cybersex, I would say that Closer is the most worthless and unamusing movies of the entire year.

Movies are supposed to be entertaining or illicit an emotional reaction. Closer doesn't entertain by a long shot and the only real emotion that it brings forth is revulsion. Anyone who would think that this movie is worth a look or the price of admission is on crack.

This is art house garbage... plain and simple, pretentious, over-important garbage.