Catwoman

Review by Jason Gaston

Time and time again I've made it a point to say that I review movies and not the source material they are based on. It's a philosophy that has served me well when I talk about Queen of the Damned or I, Robot but I knew sooner or later this philosophy would bite me in the hiney.

Such is the case with Catwoman... or, as I like to call it Catwoman in Name Only. I'm a pretty avid collector of comics and I'm more than a little familiar with Catwoman in those books. This dame in this movie... ain't Catwoman. It's a dramatic departure... and it's one that I cannot really gripe about because...

Sigh...

I review movies... not books.

So, screw the comics. As far as I'm concerned now, the comics don't exist. It still doesn't change the fact that this is one of the worst movies I've seen all year.

Catwoman is the story of Patience Phillips (Halle Berry), a meek little woman who does graphic work for a large cosmetics company called Hedare. After accidentally finding out that Hedare's newest wrinkle creams has horrible and disfiguring side-effects (something that will, no doubt, cause sales to go through the roof), Patience is killed by some goons and gets resurrected by a stoned CGI cat.

No, I'm not kidding.

Now, endowed with all the powers of a cat... agility, heightened senses, hair care, tailoring, and whip abilities, Patience becomes Catwoman and sets out on a quest to make those who killed her pay.

This movie is garbage. A major hour and a half studio miscalculation that elicits laughs more than it probably intends to. Honestly, how can we not laugh at a movie where a grown woman hisses at dogs, eats tuna from a can, walks on the back of her couch, and - seriously, I'm not making this up - rubs catnip all over her face and sighs in ecstasy. We're saved the embarrassment of watching her chase mice or use a litter box, but the end result is that this movie is just unredeemably stupid.

Which all kind of sucks because, honestly, it looks great. It's got a great atmosphere and if Pitov's (that's the director, by the way) only real intent was to make Halle Berry look sexy, he did his work... even when she is wearing that hysterically horrible costume that makes her look more like a dominatrix Minnie Mouse than a cat.

Still, all the camera tricks and cinematography cannot save this putrid movie. It's a male fantasy masquerading as some kind of feminist rallying call. I mean, really... the cosmetic's company is called Hedare. He dare? Cute, but it really makes no sense from a feminist fight-men angle when Catwoman only ends up fighting some other chick in what is only three or four steps above a mud wrestling tournament.

All the negative buzz, all the horrible stories you've heard about this movie... it's all true and it's more than deserved. This movie is insulting both to the people who might watch it and anyone involved in making it. It's awful... it's terrible... there aren't enough negative words in the English language to fully describe just how horrendous Catwoman really is.

If Halle Berry wants to play superhero, she should just enjoy her role as Storm in the X-Men movies and shut her trap about more screen time.

Skip this turd.