Barnyard: The Original Party Animals

Review by Jason Donner

What's that old saying? I knows what I likes and I knows what I hates? Was that something I made up or was it something I read on a Hallmark card once? To tell you the truth, these days... it's getting a little hard to tell the difference between reality, fantasy, or senility.

So, this brings us to Barnyard: The Original Party Animals. What does this have to do with what I just said? Frankly, I'm not sure... but I think I might figure it out later. Or maybe not. We'll find out.

Hey, it's a review about a movie starring talking cows. What do you want? Something deep? Ain't gonna happen.

So, Barnyard... what can I say about it? First, I think I'll go for the obvious and say that this movie has problems... major problems. The first of which being a slight anatomical error in that male bovines do not... repeat do not have udders! They have horns and other things, but not udders!

Then again, if they had been anatomically correct they would have had large swinging bull balls instead, so I guess we made out lucky in that respect.

Or did we? For in later "party" scenes we see cows drinking milk in lieu of beer, I guess. So, where are they getting this milk from? Are they... milking each other? if you milk and drink another guy, does that make you gay or something?

Yes, friends, this and other very disturbing questions are raised by this movie. Sure, a lot of it will fly over the heads of this movie's target audience - namely the ten and under crowd - but the adults will wonder and, take it from experience, be very disturbed by these questions.

As for the movie itself, perhaps the best praise I can give it is that it wasn't nearly as awful as I assumed it would be. The story, though ripped-off of endless formulas of a son following in his father's footsteps, is cute and - with Kevin James, Danny Glover, and Sam Elliot - this movie has far better voice talent than it deserves.

The downside is a bare-bones story, the before mentioned creepiness, and some pretty bad character designs that make it appear flat and lifeless.

Still, as I said, I likes that I likes and I hates what I hates and this... I don't likes it, but I don't hates it either. Put me firmly in the middle walking along the edge of the barnyard fence. While I wouldn't go out and pick this movie up on my own, the off-beat humor that shows its head every now and then didn't make watching this movie a chore, rather... sort of enjoyable.

Too bad the movie wasn't put together with more care... it could have really been great. Now, it's just forgettable.