The Amityville Horror (2005)

Review by Jason Gaston

One of these days, filmmakers are going to learn that the best scares... the ones that stay with us when we go to bed and the lights go off... the ones that make us afraid of what's under the bed or in the closet... are concocted from our own imagination. The horror is personal, not something that made us jump for a second because something suddenly jumps into frame and screams. One of these days I pray that filmmakers will get that clue because perhaps on that day, movies like the remake of The Amityville Horror will be avoided and the fake scares that this kind of movie tries to have will be a thing of the past.

I don't know... maybe I am a little biased. The original The Amityville Horror is the first horror movie I remember seeing. I remember how those green eyes in the window freaked my little self out so much and how seeing those walls bleed made me quake in my little boots. Sure, as I rewatch it now, I can see that it's a vastly flawed movie, but it will always have a place festering in my heart. I can't help it. The sight of that house in the original movie with those windows that look like a pair of evil eyes will always be engrained in my psyche as that one image that will always sum up what it is to be afraid.

Biased? Mmm... Yeah, probably.

This purportedly "true story" that is really anything but tells the story of how the Lutz family moved into a house of horrors and, after being assaulted by visions, ghosts, voices, and Ryan Reynold's smartass remarks for 28 days, they fled one night in terror never to return.

It's a ghost story and this new remake tells a ghost story in the worst possible way. Instead of allowing your own imagination to run wild, you're exposed to some other person's lame idea of what is scary... and it's not. Not by a long shot.

At best, this MTV and Michael Bay inspired nonsense is nauseating and annoying more than it is in the least bit frightening. So many quick cuts, shock edits, and loud sound effects that the real horror of Amityville is the headache you're going to end up with afterwards.

There are so many scenes that are just downright laughable that this movie can almost be considered a tragedy than a horror movie. I can imagine the script for this horrible movie being written on shreds of toilet paper during a frat party... in crayon.

Let me just put it this way, when the house commands, "Get out!" it's really good advise to take.