Alone in the Dark

Review by Jason Gaston

I must hereby apologize to Tom Green. For the four or five years since I sat through the awfulness of Freddy Got Fingered I have, time and time again, called it the worst movie that I have ever seen. People have told me that I am wrong in this assumption, but I have maintained that this is true… until now, at least. Now that I have experienced the shear horribleness and excruciating badness of Uwe Boll’s Alone in the Dark I must recant every statement I’ve made about Freddy Got Fingered being the worst movie I have ever seen. Now, that Alone in the Dark is here, it has taken that prize. Tom, you’re knocked to second worst. Congratulations. I'll send you a fruit basket.

Alone in the Dark, based on a video game I've never heard of, is as incomprehensible as it is terrible. The movie starts off with a whimper as we, the audience, are subjected to the longest scrolling introductory paragraphs that have ever disgraced the beginning of a movie. They tell you about a tribe of Indians called the Abskani and how they disappeared from the face of the Earth after opening a doorway to hell or something. It’s odd considering how long and cumbersome the opening to this movie is, you still have no idea what the hell is going on when it’s over with.

Alone in the Dark then introduces us to our hero, an ex-CIA agent from a secret organization that investigates the paranormal. Played by Christian Slater who looks like he just might have sobered up long enough to recite a few lines on the set, he is trying to figure out the secrets to an ancient artifact and figure out why he and the other people who grew up with him as orphans keep having disturbing nightmares every night. What’s wrong, Slater? Is that script for the Kuffs sequel just not coming together?

Also in the mix is Tara Reid playing a scientist. You know, I have no problem with actors playing against type, but Tara Reid was never meant to play any part with the word “doctor” in front of it. I would say that this role is the worst case of a hot chick being cast as a scientist since Denise Richards played one in The World is Not Enough, but I'd be lying. Denise was more believable.

Good lord, has Tara Reid gotten run over by the career train or what? You’ll laugh out loud as she delivers her frantic lines with the same energy of a drained dialysis patient.

Finishing out the main cast, and apparently the final few quivering vestiges of his waning career, is Steven Dorff as the new leader of the before mentioned CIA agency that used to be run by Christian Slater. If in some parallel universe where every other film is destroyed by film-destroying radiation and Alone in the Dark sweeps the Oscars because it's the only movie left, Dorff should thank AT&T for helping to phone in his performance.

Alone in the Dark is brought to us by Uwe Boll who inflicted 2002’s House of the Dead on an innocent and unsuspecting populous. I stopped short of calling House of the Dead the worst movie ever because, in its sheer unpleasantness and stupidity, there was comedy… Here, in Alone in the Dark, Uwe Boll has proven that you don’t make movies this bad by accident. It takes talent. The man is like King Midas, only everything he touches turns to crap. There is no unintentional humor in Alone in the Dark except for the occasional internal chuckle from the disbelief that anyone made something this horrible and didn’t kill themselves because of it.

With Alone in the Dark and another sure-to-be equally terrible film on the way, I can only hope that ultra-hack Boll has all but finished his Hollywood career. I’m not sure what sort of pack with the devil or dark alignment of planets or oral sexual favors led to this teller of terrible tales to land a multiple film deal, but I can only hope that it’s over with and Uwe can slink back to whatever creative cesspool bore him.

People call Uwe Boll a modern day Ed Wood, but I would never insult Mr. Wood in such a disrespectful manner.

As the movie winds on and doesn’t mercifully break and burn on the reel, the story gets more and more ludicrous as we’re privy to subplots about evil caterpillars that attach themselves to spines, a doorway to Hell, mad scientists, experiments on orphans, big galloping monsters, one of the most awkward and silly sex scenes I’ve ever seen, and the ever-popular Uwe Boll favorite… zombies!

The final half hour of this horrific experience is a never-ending and completely mindless shooting fest with some of the worst action directing since… well, House of the Dead. Alone in the Dark is a terrible movie from start to finish with nothing redeemable about it. Even if you try to enjoy it on a “so bad it’s good level” you’ll find nothing likeable and, believe me, I really tried.

Want to go see this movie? Take my advice… leave it alone in the darkened theater.

Mr. Boll, please stop making movies. What did we ever do to you to deserve such torture?