A.I.
Artificial Intelligence (2002)
A.I. accomplishes what it set out to do and that was to
question what it is to love and be loved... what it is to find
our place in the world and what it is to want something so
badly, that it consumes your every thought.
Accepted (2006)
What Accepted boils down to is some transparent
and artifical message about being accepted as who you are. This
is supposed to give the title a double meaning or something, but
at the end I bet you're just going to be too bored to notice or
appreciate it.
Adam
Sandler's Eight Crazy Nights (2006)
It tries to be South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut, yet
it's not funny, not clever, and not even watchable. This is
probably the worst animated movie I've seen since I was
unfortunate enough to watch the Hercules and Xena movie
and at least THAT had unintentional laughs.
The
Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002)
This movie is about as fun as three months of math camp, about as
funny as as watching a kid in a wheelchair get hit by a car, and if
you’re stupid enough to spend eight bucks to see this horrible thing,
you should immediately loose your right to vote.
The
Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle (2000)
Sure, the movie is full of bad puns, hackneyed dialogue, and
awful jokes (which were really a staple of the old Rocky and
Bullwinkle show), but the situation is so innocent and
lighthearted that you eventually have no choice but to embrace
and love it like you did when you were a kid.
Æon
Flux (2005)
Æon Flux isn't great entertainment but it's good
entertainment. I've certainly seen worse, but the movie doesn't
translate the cartoon's strange charm. Still, it's a
decent movie in of itself.
After
the Sunset (2004)
The gags are old, the jokes are moldy, the action is nothing but
routine, and the plot is recycled. As the movie trudges and
lurches along its predictable path, it's evident more and more
with each passing minute that After the Sunset is nothing
special even though it has no problem pretending to be.
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Air
Force One (1997)
Peterson respects the people in the theater seats enough to
provide them with believable situations, actions and characters
who aren't just muscle-bound idiots who can take thirteen
bullets to the chest and keep coming.
Akeelah
and the Bee (2006)
It's inspiring and cheerful, dramatic and sad, and - yes - even
a little hokey. Doesn't matter, though, because in a movie like
this a little hokey doesn't do a darn bit of harm.
Alexander (2004)
This film is a plodding lumbering stinker of a historical epic
ready to look good and expensive any chance it gets but at the
same time, stumbling and grasping at a point and trying to find
a focus.
Alice
in Wonderland
(2010)
We have to stop Tim Burton before he
destroys all culture in the name of Hot Topic.
Alien
(1979)
In a world of I Know What You Did Last Summer's and
Urban Legend's and Kevin Williamson teenie-booper horror
flicks that almost always disappoint and insult, Alien
remains at the top of the heap driving it's toothy tongue
through the heads of lame dollar-show horror flicks. It's a
movie that has and forever will stand the test of time.
Alien³
(1992)
The audience just isn't scared if they know what the creature
looks like and, showing the alien at every chance makes the film
as effective as a movie about people being chased and eaten by a
lion.
Alien
Resurrection (1997)
The story of Alien Resurrection was almost (almost!)
completely original to the series as well, having the military
trying to train the aliens as biological weapons, but that
little element of Alien Resurrection quickly died turning
the movie into the same old story of cardboard box tunnels and
startle-cuts that sank Alien³.
Alien
vs. Predator (2004)
The script is pretty much brain-dead with some appallingly bad
dialogue and plot contrivances, but at its core... at the very
heart of the movie, there is the fun.
Aliens
(1986)
This is a movie that took the original idea of the first and
made it bigger and better but never lost sight of the basic
human struggle for survival.
Aliens
vs. Predator: Requiem (2007)
This movie sucks. It’s probably killed not one, but two
franchises… but at this point, it’s more of a mercy killing than
anything.
Alone
in the Dark (2007)
People call Uwe Boll a modern day Ed Wood, but I would never
insult Mr. Wood in such a disrespectful manner.
An
American Carol (2008)
It's a movie built for a very limited audience, the cinematic
equivalent of a small group of immature and spoiled junior high
girls sitting at their own little table and whispering and
giggling at everyone else in the room who won't sit with them.
An
American Haunting (2006)
An American Haunting is a gigantic wasted opportunity.
The legend was fine by itself, but some overzealous screenwriter
decided to put his own silly private spin on the legend and has
made it a complete joke.
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American
Outlaws (2001)
This movie is like American Pie set out in the old west.
It's like a music video western by MTV made for attention
deficit 12 year-olds. This is like a Teen Beat photo shoot with
a western theme. This movie is like a root canal without the
Novocain..
American
Pie (1999)
There's sick gags about drinking bodily discharges, lots of
basic potty humor, and frank talk about teen sex that seems to
capture (and infinity embellish, of course) the turbulent high
school sex-crazy years.
American
Pie 2 (2001)
It's been a year since the warm apple pie goodness of American
Pie and now, after completing their freshman year in college,
Jim, Finch, Oz, and Stifler are back home and itching to jump
into the dating pool in American Pie 2 which
manages to savor the original's charm and compassion, while
still making us laugh at piss and dick jokes.
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American
Pie Presents: Band Camp (2006)
Calling this movie half-baked would be a compliment. It's a
mushy pile of raw dough and uncooked apples and, if you decide
to partake of it, it's your own damn fault.
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American
Pie Presents: The Naked Mile (2006)
So, okay... it's better than Band Camp but that's like saying that death by lethal injection is better than death by the gas chamber.
American Wedding (2003)
The American Pie movies do what movies like Van Wilder
and the countless other sex comedies fail at. These movies
make you care about the characters, care about the situations,
and care about what happens.
An
American Werewolf in London (1981)
This movie is a landmark. That much is certain. It's one of the
most prominent and celebrated horror movies of the ladder half
of the 20th century. It'll make you giggle and then make you
jump in fright while it actually contains a story that will keep
you interested and, in some ways, break your heart.
An
American Werewolf in Paris (1997)
As a sequel to An American Werewolf in London, the Paris
chapter is sadly lacking but in spite of its brainlessness, or
perhaps because of it, it is strangely endearing at the same
time.
The
Amityville Horror (2005)
At best, this MTV and Michael Bay inspired nonsense is
nauseating and annoying more than it is in the least bit
frightening. So many quick cuts, shock edits, and loud sound
effects that the real horror of Amityville is the headache
you're going to end up with afterwards.
Anaconda (1997)
Anaconda is not a good movie, that much is certain, but
there is fun. The kind of fun you have that you find
afterwards trying to shower off your body in the middle of the
night, but it is fun nonetheless.
Anacondas:
The Hunt for the Blood Orchid (2004)
This movie is bad... bad in every sense of the word. It's a crime against Joe Public who makes a little over minimum wage doing hard manual labor that seven... count them... seven Hollywood writers actually got money to write this thing.
Anchorman:
The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)
The movie is barely controlled chaos and yet, it works for some reason scientists are unable to explain.
Angels & Demons
(2009)
Much of the movie is riding on Tom Hank’s shoulders and, playing
such a confounding and two-dimensional character doesn’t help
matters. Tom Hank’s Robert Langdon is perhaps his most unlikable
character and, yes, that’s counting Joe vs. The Volcano.
Anger
Management
(2003)
The highlight of this movie, however, is Jack Nicholson. This
movie shines when Wacky Jack is unleashed and causes havoc in
the mild-mannered protagonist's life. Unfortunately, though, the
shine is dulled by an inexcusable amount of not being funny.
The
Animatrix
(2003)
Even though I’ve enjoyed both The Matrix and The
Matrix Reloaded, I believe that this collection is superior
both in direction and imagination.
Annapolis
(2006)
This movie is so utterly pointless and so comprised of fluff
that it will probably take thirty philosophers to prove that it
even exists in the first place.
Any
Given Sunday (1999)
Football just doesn't have the tradition, grander, or the
apparent incorruptible spirit of baseball or other sports so all
of the football movies are usually (and by usually I mean
always) about corruption and backstabbing. In the end,
there's no one to root for and the last two hours are pointless.
Aqua
Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters (2007)
Normally I would say that this movie has a plot that wanders
aimlessly, but that description wouldn't do it justice. Aqua
Teen Hunger Force's plot doesn't just wander, it recklessly
careens into parked cars, runs down old ladies on walkers, and
chases dogs on the sidewalk with laser-beam eyes and a
Godzilla-like roar.
Are
We There Yet? (2005)
Are We There Yet? is a movie that borrows its gags from
better films, has no problem selling racial stereotypes to
children, and drags out jokes to the point that they are even
less funny than they were when they started out... which is an
achievement considering that they weren't that funny in the
first place.
The
Aristocrats (2006)
Granted, I think I would have enjoyed the movie more if it
hadn't been so attention deficit in its editing, but the movie
is funny, it's a great documentary, and it's a vile celebration
of comedy and the miracle that is free speech.
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Around
the World in 80 Days (2004)
If anything, this carefree plodding monster with brief respites
of comedy and whimsy can best be described as diverting, not
particularly intelligent, but mostly just a big foolish lump of
fun.
Assault
on Precinct 13 (2005)
Yeah, you know... there are gigantic holes in the plot and the
overall logic of the story, but if you can ignore them and go
with it, Assault on Precinct 13 is a fun ride with a
pretty strong cast playing some unfortunately un-extraordinary
parts.
Avatar (2009)
James Cameron's first movie in
fifteen years might not be the amazing nuclear missile of
ingenuity we were promised, but it's nothing to look down on.
Derivative or not, it's incredible to behold.
The
Aviator (2004)
This movie is less biography than it is a dramatic epic. With
actors in top form, a great script, and a director finally back
at the top of his game, The Aviator is primed to fly
high.
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